#I AM NOT PREPARED FOR THIS FUCKIGN ANGST THAT WILL FOLLOW

[sonofdevraj-archived]

[convenientalias]

I Rate Cdramas Based Off Their First Episode

Today I dropped another cdrama off my to-watch list after watching one and a half episodes. Which has me thinking about first episodes in general, and what I look for from them. I could write extensive meta about this but instead I thought I'd just make another list where I rate cdramas based on my own arbitrary taste.

Some caveats: These are only cdramas I've watched to completion and whose first episodes I actually remember. So, for example, I liked the first episode of The Story of Minglan but dropped it on episode 10--it is not on this list. On the other hand, I had mixed feelings on the first episode of Sword Dynasty when I watched it but now I can't remember it, so it isn't on this list either. That said, let's begin. In alphabetical order...

Ancient Detective: Introduces the three leads, gives you a sense of the MC's motivation, and gets the main bromance started. Has one mini-case solved in the first half of the episode and then sets up the first multi-episode case. A fun episode in itself and a good introduction. 10/10, I think anyone would want to watch at least the next episode to see where things are going and get some more bromance.

The Disguiser: Really has a lot going on. It can be kind of confusing at first, especially for someone who doesn't know much about this period in Chinese history, to figure out who's who and who belongs to what political party etc, but it does get across what the main characters are like and establish them all as very competent and (except maybe Ming Tai) pretty shady. It has everything: executions, torture, assassinations, reunions between old friends (lovers?) who are no longer exactly friends, dramatic plane rides, kidnappings, recruitment speeches... Admittedly better on a rewatch when you're less confused, but does start things off with a boom. 9/10.

Flame's Daughter: On a rewatch I had misremembered this first episode as being the first two episodes because so much fuckign happens. And yet it's easy enough to follow. A large number of major characters are introduced, but few of them are given much depth as of yet, and you don't really know their motivations. The two MCs have a sort of a meet cute, and Lie Ruge has some fun hanging out in a brothel. I would rate this episode higher if Taste Flower Pavilion had more to do with the main plot, or if a couple characters who seem important in this episode didn't turn out to be mostly irrelevant. But it's got a good hook, even if it sort of underplays the level of wuxia intrigue that will show up after a few more episodes. 7/10.

Granting You a Dreamlike Life: Does anyone like the framing device of GYADL? It's really only relevant to the first and last episode, and it's so pointless. Why introduce the two main actors in completely different roles for the first half of the first episode and then go into a prolonged flashback where they're different characters entirely? It just annoys me. (Partly bc the plot of this framing device is embarrassing.) That said, once you get into the flashback itself--which you do get around to this episode--you get one of the best scenes of the series with the two leads fighting each other over a bag of dumplings, doing acrobatics and martial arts and even some motorcycling. A quality meet cute. So I will give this episode 5/10 for being both excellent and awful.

Handsome Siblings: This show's first two episodes are mostly backstory. But it's not that bad, really. I mean, think of all the kdramas that spend the first three to five episodes on backstory and it's really not that bad to just spend one and a half episodes on it. Still I'm not a huge fan of the MCs being babies for the whole first episode, and this first episode is extremely tragic while the majority of the show is a mix of angst and comedy, so it's not all that accurate of an introduction to the show either. I think the second episode is much truer to the mood of the series as a whole and a better introduction in general. Still, the first episode does give a lot of backstory that you really need to get the dramatic irony that the rest of the series leans on, so... I guess 4/10??

Joy of Life: The first episode of Joy of Life is hilarious. Doesn't introduce the political intrigue aspect or some other aspects of the show, and the first couple minutes are confusing, but mostly, it's just hilarious. The kid actor for Fan Xian I may like better than his adult actor lols. 10/10, again, I have a hard time seeing anyone wanting to stop without watching another episode.

Nirvana in Fire: I know NIF's first episode is notoriously confusing but I actually think... it's not bad. Because fundamentally, NIF is a show about a lot of characters doing political schemes and often monologuing about it. So a first episode that has some basic scheming and introduces a lot of cast members isn't really that bad. I also kind of like that the first episode is like "this show will be about the conflict between Prince Yu and the Crown Prince, and Mei Changsu supporting one of them to become emperor" and then not only does MCS not support either one, but he also is secretly more focused on the Chiyan case than in even making Jingyan emperor as a goal in itself. Also, NIF said at the get-go "MCS is gonna die in two years" and it stuck to its guns and you have to respect that. And making Lin Chen show up for one episode and then disappear until the final act was also pretty wild. That said, I have now watched this episode five times trying to convince others to watch the show and I only convinced one person, so I can't say it's all that effective as a hook. I give it a 6/10 because I am fond but it's true that it's kind of a disaster.

Winter Begonia: I would like to complain and say this show starts off slow. The leads only meet towards the end of this first episode, and they spend most of the episode hanging out with their respective families (or opera troupe, as the case may be) living their everyday lives. But this is a slice of life show with a slow burn (b)romance at its core, so even though at the time I first watched the first episode I wanted things to move faster, ultimately it makes sense with what the show is. In some shows, you get the leads becoming close right off the bat (Ancient Detective, I'm looking at you), and in others, it only happens after several episodes of shallow but flirty meetings, a disastrous party, and a serious conversation in a gazebo in the middle of a snowstorm. What you get from Winter Begonia's first episode is not immediate action or relationship development but a strong sense of who Shang Xirui and Cheng Fengtai are separately, which prepares you for how they will and won't mesh well together as the story progresses. 9/10.

I haven't actually watched any of these episodes in a while so I may be wrong or biased by how the shows turned out by the time I was done with them. Let me know if you agree or disagree :)

[mss4msu]

Just Give Me A Chance

Summary: You and Steve have been secretly seeing each other. When he returns from a mission, you let him know that either the secrets end, or your relationship ends.

Pairing: Steve Rogers x Reader

Words: 2433

Warnings: Language, Angst, Mention of Blood and Wounds

A/N: This was written for @marvelellie‘s 1k celebration. Congrats on 1k!!   I wrote the angst when I was in an angst mood, so it’s REAL angsty.

Your alarm went off pulling you out of a deep sleep. You rolled over and flung your arm out to reach over Steve, but it hit an empty bed. You forced your eyes open and saw Steve putting on his belt and grabbing his bag.

“Steve? Where are you going?” you asked groggily.

“Just got called for a mission. It should be a quick one. It’s just me, Bucky, and Nat. Go hit the gym. Sam will be there waiting for you. Just because I’m on a mission doesn’t mean you can slack off in the gym.”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever,” you pulled yourself out of bed and walked to the closet.

“Have a good day,” Steve pulled you in and kissed you on the forehead.

“You too, be safe out there,” you replied smiling.

“Always am,” Steve saluted you.

“Liar,” you laughed back as he shut the door, knowing full well Steve would sacrifice himself for anyone if he had to.

You changed and trudged down to the gym and greeted Sam with a yawn.

“(Y/N), you’re late,” Sam looked down at his watch.

“Yeah, yeah, sorry,” you wiped the sleep from your eyes.

“Shape up. Even though Steve isn’t here, he left a detailed plan for your training today and clear instructions for me to push you to your limits to see your progress.”

“Great,” you said through gritted teeth.

You got on the treadmill and Sam set your resistance and speed. As you began to run, you began to think. While you and Steve knew that you were seeing each other, no one else on the team did. Steve had thought it best that you keep things between the two of you so that the team wouldn’t think he was favoring you in training and mission assignments just because he was favoring you in the bedroom. When you had first joined the team, the two of you had been very flirtatious, and when you finally mustered the courage and proposed a date you had been teased by every single person on the team. Steve was quickly teased too, and you both couldn’t go anywhere together without murmured whispers following you. Steve told you he would agree to the date, so long as the team didn’t know. He began to work you harder in trainings, believing that it would show the team that you had no special treatment, and he convinced you that the harder he pushed you, the less people would think you were actually together. While it had been fun and sexy to sneak around in the beginning, Steve’s rigorous schedule for you soon had everyone believing he loathed you, which didn’t feel any better than their whispers that you were in love. While you thought it was bullshit, you were too afraid that telling him you wanted to go public would mean losing him.

“Alright, (Y/N), enough cardio. Steve has you lifting today and trying to max out different machines.”

“Fantastic,” you muttered angrily. He better come back to this machine prepared to give me a full body massage, you thought to yourself.

You pushed yourself to your limits in every single drill and lift Sam directed you to do.

Sam checked through the list he had from Steve, “Ok, (Y/N), that’s it for the day. Good work.”

“Oh that’s it?” you asked sarcastically.

“No talking back. Steve was very clear that I should not tolerate your sarchasm.”

“Of course he fucking was,” you muttered, “Steve loves making rules.” (Steve had made very clear rules for your relationship. Any overnight visits happened in your room so he could act like he was delivering a mission to you if someone saw him leave. During hangouts or meals in public spaces, you had to be joined by at least one other person if you were to sit next to each other, otherwise you had to have at least one seat seperating you at all times. He was very clear that there were to be no offsite meals together, ever, because the public could easily snap a picture of you two and start even more issues. There could be no physical contact between the two of you unless it was in the gym and it was absolutely necessary. The list of rules went on. He had written out a copy and told you to keep it on your bedside table.)

“Whatever that is supposed to mean,” Sam replied, “Go shower and cool off.”

“Yes, sir,” you saluted him sarcastically and left before he could scold you.

You were toweling off your hair when you heard a frantic knock on your door.

“(Y/N)! Hurry up in there and hurry to the med center! There were complications on the mission!” Sam yelled from outside your door.

“Fuck, I’ll meet you there!” You yelled, grabbing the closest clean clothes you could find and sprinting to the medical center.

As you pushed the door open you saw Bucky grunting in pain as a bullet was pulled from his shoulder, Natasha was getting her bleeding leg bandaged, and Steve was unconscious with an IV of saline.

“What the fuck happened??” you yelled anxiously, running to Steve’s bedside.

“There were more Hydra agents than we bargained for,” Bucky grunted as another bullet was pulled from his flesh arm.

“At least we all got out of there alive, which is more than can be said for them,” Natasha said, wincing as tried to sit up in her bed.

“So much for an easy mission,” you said aloud, instantly realizing the mistake you had made.

“Easy mission?” Bucky asked with a raised eyebrow as Bruce bandaged up his shoulder.

“I saw Steve leave as I was going to the gym because he wanted me to know that he wasn’t going to be there for my training and he said it should be no problem,” you rambled in one breath.

“Well, it was supposed to be, but it obviously wasn’t,” Tony said, checking everyone’s vitals. “Barnes and Romanoff, you two are good to go if you’d like to recover in your rooms for more comfort.”

“Any word on when Steve will be awake?” you asked nervously.

“He was shoving Nat and I out of the way from a sniper when he was attacked from behind and knocked out. But he’s a super soldier, so it should wear off soon,” Bucky replied, hoisting himself off the bed to leave.

“Why are you asking?” Natasha asked with a smirk, as Bruce and Sam helped her off her bed.

“I wanted to give him a piece of my mind for the workout he made Sam give me this morning,” you tried to cover up.

“Well, you can wait in here for him to wake up if you want,” Tony said, holding open the door for Bucky.

“Yeah, I think I will,” you replied, pulling up a chair to Steve’s bed as everyone left the medical center.

As you sat you began to think about what had happened that day. You woke up and got a kiss and a promise from Steve, which was very good. Then you went to the gym and had to do an intense workout to keep up your cover, which was annoying. Then you were told that Steve was hurt in the line of duty, which was very bad. Finally, by being concerned about Steve, you raised suspicion about your relationship, but were not able to confirm or deny anything, which was gut-wrenching. The more you thought about the progression of the day, the more angry and sick you felt.

You were so livid, you didn’t even notice that Steve’s eyes had blinked open. His hand slowly moved on top of yours, causing you to jump.

“What the fuck?!” you yelled out.

“(Y/N)? What happened?”

“Bucky said you pushed he and Nat out of the way to save them, and then you got attacked from behind and got knocked the fuck out,” you spit at him.

“Ok. What’s wrong, (Y/N)?”

“Everything. Everything between us is fucking wrong.”

“Why is it wrong? What do you mean? What happened?” He asked you with confusion in his eyes and in his voice.  

“Steve, I’m fucking tired of this bullshit. Every day I sit around fucking waiting for you. Waiting for you to come to my room, waiting for us to be alone in private, waiting for you to fucking tell your friends, OUR friends, the truth about our relationship and you never fuckign do. Then today I had to fucking sit around waiting to see if you would actually wake up again! You wanted to keep our relationship all secretive so as to not disrupt the flow of the team, well guess what, that means I have no fucking clue what I’m allowed to feel or what I’m supposed to feel or what I even fucking want to feel. You fucking went out on a mission and did the fucking hero thing and almost got yourself fucking killed. And guess what, if you died, no one would fucking know about us. I’m here concerned about you and getting fucking questions from Bucky and Nat about why I care and I can’t fucking answer it because I can’t let them know about us. There isn’t even really an us is there, though? Is that always your master plan? Never fully commit to a woman so that in the event of a near-death tragedy less people get hurt? That’s some real fucking bullshit, Captain. What, so you die and then I’m stuck grieving by myself and everyone wonders why the fuck I took it so hard because it’s not like we were even a couple. Fuck everyone thinks you hate me because of how hard you push me in training. This is a fucking bullshit relationship, Steve, and fuck I’m sick of it. I don’t even think you’re worth it anymore. I’m done with whatever the fuck it is that we were doing here.”

“(Y/N), please. Don’t say that,” Steve’s eyes were red and there were tears streaming down his face. “Oh, now you’re going to fucking cry? No one is here Steve, stop fucking acting. But amazing performance, Cap. Remind me to buy some fucking war bonds from you,” you slow clapped at him.

“I’m not fucking acting,” his ripped the saline IV from his hand so he could use it to wipe his dripping nose.

“Ha. Why should I fucking believe that? You’ve lied to me before, like this morning when you said this mission would be easy. And our whole relationship is basically a fucking lie, so why the fuck would I believe you now? Remember when two months ago you said, ‘(Y/N), we’ll tell the team soon I promise,’? I can’t believe shit you say.”

“(Y/N), I’m sorry.” “Steve, I really don’t care.”

“(Y/N), please. I need you to believe me. I need you to trust me. I need you to love me.”

His blue eyes pierced yours and sent a shiver up your spine. You were in too much of an angry haze to give in now, and you weren’t even sure if you wanted to.

“Love?” you spit at him.

“Yes. (Y/N), I love you. None of this is fake for me.”

“Ha! How is it not fake when you act like you fucking hate me every day until you come to my room at night?”

“(Y/N), I fell in love with you the first time I laid eyes on you. I made all those rules for us, because I saw how everyone made fun of you when you first asked me out and I was afraid that they would ruin this relationship. I was afraid that if they continued to make fun of us for dating, you would give up on me. I was afraid that they would cause the end of us. I had no idea that it would be my rules that would push you away.”

Steve was now sobbing, and you felt your anger start to subside.    

“(Y/N), I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I don’t want to lose you.”

“Steve, I can’t keep living like this. I don’t want us to be a secret. I can’t worry about you all by myself without being able to confide in anyone.” Now you were crying too.

“(Y/N), I promise it won’t be. Shit, I’ll call everyone in here right now and tell them. Please, Please, just give me a chance.”

You were staring at your lap as you took deep breaths in and out as Steve held your hand tightly.

You finally looked up and met Steve’s eyes. Both of you had tears running down your cheeks.

“Fine. You will get a chance. But you have to call them all in here now, just like you said.”

Steve broke into a smile. “Deal,” he pushed the ‘Avengers Assemble’ button on his watch.

Soon the room was filled to the brim with every member of the team within a 5 mile radius. Those that couldn’t make it physically were brought in on Skype.

“Everyone, I have an important announcement,” Steve told them all, “(Y/N) and I are dating. We have been for months and we have kept it a secret so that there would be no ideas of favoritism and so that no one would make fun of us,” Steve trailed off.

“Anything you want to add?” he whispered to you.

“Nope,” you whispered back, beaming at Steve.

The room broke into laughter and applause.

“About fucking time you actually told us,” Bucky said, shaking your hand.

“What do you mean?” you asked, confused.

“We’ve literally known for months,” Nat replied, gently patting Steve on the shoulder with a smile.  

“Why else would you have always have had those ridiculously intense workouts?” Sam said with a laugh.

“Plus, I’ve seen Cap sneaking out of your room in the morning,” Tony tousled Steve’s hair. “I have late nights in the lab, not much gets past me,” he winked at you.

“Well fuck us,” you laughed, unable to believe you had just been so mad at Steve for something everyone had already known.

“We don’t need to, you have each other,” Nat winked at you.

“I think that’s our cue to leave,” Bruce said, looking around the room and nodding towards the door.

“Yes, please do,” Steve replied, the pupils of his eyes dilating as he licked his lips at you.

You giggled and kissed Steve, not caring that everyone in the room was watching.

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